In the Beginning...Am I Fat?

Hello. My name is Anne. Well, that is not exactly true. For the purposes of this blog, my name is Anne. You see, I am writing this blog anonymously. At least for now. I am twenty-five years old and recently graduated from law school. My graduation has, in many ways that will be explored in this blog, shown me that my life is a bit out of whack. I am constantly stressed and anxious. My skin is blotchy and uneven. My hair is constantly worn in a ponytail (i.e. I don't take the time to style it). I often choose to forgo exercise, sleep and eating healthfully. I weigh too much.

I am hoping to chronicle my choice to lead a more balanced and healthy life. I love to cook and bake, but I want to eat healthy foods that will provide me with good nutrition and longevity. I love to watch movies, but I also want to exercise and move my body so that it remains strong, flexible and able to move freely. I love to hang out with my friends, but I don't want all of our visits to turn into a food free-for-all. I am striving to learn how to balance all of the things that I want out of life and I hope that by writing down my thoughts and experiences I can choose better for myself. I rarely take the time to sit down and look at my own life and how I am choosing to live it. Am I spending my days with those who bolster my self-esteem and who make me feel happy and connected? Am I spending my time in ways that will add to my overall enjoyment of life? Am I choosing health in my everyday life, or am I choosing foods and behaviors that will cause me a slow and painful death? I have realized lately how short life really can be and I want to make the most of it.

So back to my post topic of today: Am I Fat?

Today I stepped on the scale and weighed in at my highest weight ever. I weighed 249.2. Ouch! I have been dieting pretty much since fifth grade (It all started with buying a swimsuit and cover-up...I will tell this story on another day). I have had some difficulties along the way (and have been diagnosed by two different doctors as "weight-loss resistant." I don't believe I will ever be super-skinny. I don't need to be. But I do want to be kind to my body and this weight is just unkind.

So, I weigh 249.2 Am I Fat? I wear somewhere between a size 14 and a size 18 (depending on the store and the cut). Does this help? According to my BMI, I am obese. According to The Boyfriend (who is very physically fit--he is an Olympic-Style weightlifter) I am super-sexy. I am significantly heavier than my size 4 sister. Am I Fat?

I don't know. I really don't. On some days I look in the mirror, see several chins, and want to cry. (The day I saw the pictures from my graduation, I did cry.) On other days I look in the mirror and I just feel sexy! I "carry my weight well." (Whatever that means). I look at some blogs online and see those who have started their weight-loss journeys at a higher weight in the 300's or even 400's. I am awed. In comparison, I have so little to lose. I have also seen others trying to lose 20 pounds. Next to them, my task seems enormous.

So what is my answer? Am I Fat? The truth is: I don't know and I don't care. I am done labeling myself by numbers and sizes. This is not part of being kind to myself. I did, however, want to start this blog by asking this question. If I don't know where fat is, then how do I know where "normal" is? Where I should be? Yes, I can consult a BMI chart (and have) and I do have a goal weight in mind (145). However, more importantly, I need to learn to be kind to myself and my body. This is a journey, not a race.

Today is November 20th. Today is day five of my new eating and exercise plan. I will record my new weight on the first day of each month. Later, I will discuss The Plan I am following as I seek to perfect it and to adjust my body and mind to a healthier lifestyle.